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Lonely at Home

Sometimes we feel like we’ve build lies around ourselves to protect us from the truth or the reality at hand. Maybe at first they aren’t lies, just how things are for a while and as the grains of time flow away, things take a different path. However, you don’t evolve with them or you aren’t aware of the changes so you remain in the past, unaware of what’s happening. Or the glue that has been holding you together has other priorities now. It has evolved and your season is long over and you just didn’t have a clue. Human relationships are far too complex for me to fathom or to try and explain in a statement. But what I have come or I’m coming to terms with is that sometimes, it’s not that these people don’t love you or care for you anymore, or that the past is a lie, sometimes it’s as simple as that season has come to an end and it’s either adapt or “die”. (Damn, sometimes history has not chills). Let me rephrase, adapt or adapt. Find your own rhythm. Find your new season. Either way, you shouldn’t take offence when this happens. it’s part of life.

Change is the only constant in life. Heraclitus

I’ve always been the type of person who thought that being lonely is something that is in your control. My mentality was, “If you’re lonely then get your ass out there and be with the people that you love. Be around, be present …” But what happens when you feel like you have no one? Or when the ones you had have long moved on and you didn’t get the memo so you’re just there living in this lie then one day, BOOM! The blinds come off and you realize, wait a minute, you have not been involved in their lives for a minute now. Not really. Not in the way that really matters. Suddenly it’s time to deal with your reality by yourself and you have no one to take you through it. You don’t have anyone to hold your hand and tell you this things happen, it’s part of life. Sometimes relationships, just like dating, are for a season and it’s no ones fault, it’s not that they don’t love you anymore, it’s just life happening. You are just no longer on the same wavelength.

“Well, you’ve not really been in the same space for a minute and you’re only now just realizing it dummy.” He he he (Says my sinister conscious)

It’s funny really, how life happens. I now see how someone can be so intertwined in another person’s life that their own personality gets lost even to themselves. How you can be physically surrounded by people you know love you and care for you but still be utterly alone, and how you can be utterly alone and still want nothing to do with the relationships that are shaping around you. I think this is where we mostly lose it. We get caught in our emptiness. Get desperate and start taking anything and anyone that’s showing interest in us. We feel so privileged to be in that space that we let them have control over us. Sadly, most times these are the relationships that drive us to the edge.

Picture this, you’re already at a vulnerable place maybe hanging on by a thread. But you’re thread is long and your thread is strong. You’re not yet drowning, not yet taking in water. Then here comes a person maybe with good intentions, maybe just cruising by and you happened along their path, and bang, your spaces collide. You know from the get go that this is a relationship that should be maintained at arm’s length. You always know. But like some things in life, you ignore your conscience because you fear nothing better will ever come your way. You feel blessed, wait, no, not blessed. You feel honored, privileged to have been the one they bumped into. So you start over compensating in the relationship. Your fear of being alone becomes your driving force. All you keep thinking is what you’ll do anything to keep them around. “It’s either them or I’m back to that cold, dark lonely corner by myself again“. You tell yourself. Then the fear in you head starts playing tricks on you like… “You can’t let this happen! You’re not insane! This person is an angel for wanting you with all your baggage, insecurities and such profound imperfections. You don’t deserve this person. I mean, are you out of your mind? Do you know how many more other humans this person could be with and yet they are here, with you? Common, let’s get real here.” So you spend each waking moment to make sure this person doesn’t leave you. You become possessive and start acting star sh*t crazy. So this person either eventually leaves you, or starts treating you ‘some typaway’. You know, start treating you like you’re nothing, maybe even smacking you around then makes you feel like it’s your fault they’re treating you like this… You’re the one who doesn’t deserve them and it’s your fault that this person hurts you.

It’d be a miracle if you didn’t really go mental in this situation. It’s funny how much we are in our heads that we end up making everything about us. Not necessary in a selfish way as to only please ourselves, but the kind that we think there’s something wrong with us. That if anything comes our way we take it. No questions asked. How impatient we are at letting things take their own shape. How fast we are to forget that everything happens in its own season. Not necessarily like in the biblical timing, but more of the circle of life. Just like you were once happy, trust and believe that you will find happiness again. That the birds will sing and you shall dance with a smile that lights up the world. And more importantly, remember this, you are not broken, you do deserve the best this world has to offer and everyone has imperfections and baggage. Just like you. How my sinister logic would put this is, “You aint that special child.” This is something that most if not all people have had to fight at some point in time. And had it been such an impossible thing to get past, the human race would be in the brink of extinction if not already extinct. Either way, animal relationships are much easier to nature but the sad reality is, you like everyone else was created a social being. It ‘gasta’ be a human.

Now I don’t know when all this will turn around, but I know that we have a lot more to live for. Take my hand and let’s feed on the other things that make us happy to be alive. The things that make our souls feel alive.

Well maybe I should be specific with this statement.

***

Take 2

Let us feed the healthy things in our lives that make us feel alive. This shall pass for you too darling. Xoxo

If you’re in Kenya, and your are facing depression or are having suiscidal thoughts, you can find help at http://www.befrienderskenya.org/ they also take volunteers. Maybe I’ll sign up as a one. A volunteer.

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